Friday, January 14, 2011

For Whom Do I Cry?

Years ago my father past away from Pancreatic cancer, and though I did not have the luxury of having him as a real father figure in my life, I always thought of him as Dad. So when he passed away, I wept long and hard, until reason asked, "For whom do you cry?"

What a silly question I thought, but then the truth of it hit me. I was crying for myself, and what the heck for? I wasn't his wife, I wasn't a child who'd grown directly under his care, I wasn't even a real good friend. My loss was no where near to the degree of my brothers and sister, or his friends. But still I wept.

I wept for hours and then days, and always I did so with the selfish realization that I did it for my own loss, and not for those who'd had lost so much more. After a while, and with gentle care, reason did help me to regain my bearing.

Yesterday I lost a sister, and it hurts. It hurts because she adopted me into her life at a time when I needed it most, and with a measure of selflessness and honesty that I have shared with few others. So once again I weep, and again reason gently asks, "For whom do you cry?"

I cry for Mary, I cry for her mother, and I cry for her family and friends, those I know very little and those I call my own. But mainly, and with selfish grace, I cry for my loss. The space that she leaves in my heart is immeasurable.

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